


What Even

by greenkangaroo



Category: Naruto
Genre: Gen, akimichi ocs, construction is a pain when you're a former missing nin, the akimichi are invading and kisame is distressed
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-20
Updated: 2017-05-15
Packaged: 2018-08-09 23:34:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 11,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7821604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/greenkangaroo/pseuds/greenkangaroo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One of the logistical problems of moving back into a village you abandoned (per orders) after murdering everyone in your family (per orders) and leaving your little brother all alone to grow up with a massive sibling-sized chip on his shoulder (definitely NOT per orders) is that when everything is said and done and you move back in, there’s just too much space. Or, Itachi's lucky the Akimichi are easygoing and Kisame is just confused.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This started as a random scribbling on tumblr. I have no idea how it got here or where it is going. Will it have a plot? Will it ever not be silly? These questions and many more remain unanswered. OCs ahoy.

One of the logistical problems of moving back into a village you abandoned (per orders) after murdering everyone in your family (per orders) and leaving your little brother all alone to grow up with a massive sibling-sized chip on his shoulder (definitely NOT per orders) is that when everything is said and done and you move back in, there’s just too much space. 

Itachi wasn’t going to get into the fact that, since the Uchiha Incident, Sasuke had been living in the same empty house where their parents had been killed. On the same street filled with abandoned or converted houses. 

Even with the gradual takeover of other families and businesses, the inevitability of growth, there was still a sizeable chunk down near the end that was just- graves. 

Reminders. 

Getting a construction crew was turning out to be a bitch and a half. 

Kisame had offered to just knock everything down, but Itachi had turned his comrade down politely; Kisame had power but little finesse, and while he fully intended to turn most of the ghost-town that had been the Uchiha area into grass, he did need a few walls still standing. 

Which was why the sudden appearance of Chouji on a bench just before the invisible line was a blessing. 

Along with- 

Well. The Akimichi clan had always been prolific. Itachi didn’t know how many cousins there were, but when his father had still been alive Fugaku had always put it at ‘too damn many’. 

“Are we being invaded?” Kisame asked, which was, Itachi felt, a rational question. In response Chouji shook his head. “No, Hoshigaki-san.” He said. 

Itachi quirked an eyebrow. 

“Word on the street is,” Chouichi said, “someone can’t hire a wrecking crew.” 

Itachi inclined his head because it was true. 

“Good for you we knew where to find one.” The older Akimichi brother gestured behind him at his numerous family. “Where do we start, whirligig?” 

The old nickname didn’t sound like ashes in Chouichi’s mouth anymore, and it fed that tiny, almost imperceptible spark of hope that Itachi wouldn’t allow and couldn’t afford to grow into a roaring fire. 

“Follow me,” he said, and if the sight of an entire clan of large ninja following two former Akatsuki missin-nin into an abandoned section of Konoha wasn’t strange, one can’t be sure what is.


	2. Lunch Break

Kisame had to admit, the big dudes knew what they were doing. 

Demolition was something Clan Akimichi was often called upon to do, apparently- particularly old buildings that had housed ninja. 

“Traps.” One of them said, shrugging and wiping sweat from his brow. “They tend to kill civy contractors.” 

The general gist of the technique seemed to be ‘pick a spot and punch it’, with the near uniform result of an entire wall/floor/house coming down. The destruction always collapsed in, not to the side or out. 

The big ladies (and there were a few) took care of the more delicate areas where the supports were questionable. Kisame assumed, though no one told him, that this was because their chakra control was better. 

Itachi watched all of this with a face that couldn’t seem to decide if it was passive, detached, or bewildered. Occasionally someone would ask him for direction and he would give it, then he’d go back to the war of the expressions. 

If Kisame was being honest that was the best part of the whole thing. 

A decent chunk of the work was done when Chouichi and Chouji both looked up, measured the distance of the sun with their thumbs, and bellowed, “LUNCH BREAK!” 

There was a brief moment of chaos- punches being completed, old boards being shuffled. Around Kisame and Itachi pieces of rubble were conveniently commandeered into makeshift tables, and on these tables scrolls were being unrolled. 

Kisame looked at Itachi. 

Itachi blinked peacefully at Kisame. 

One of the big ladies- with upside-down hooks in purple tattooed on her cheeks- gestured to Kisame. “Hey fish-man. Anything you won’t eat?” 

Now it was Kisame’s turn to blink. 

“He doesn’t have dietary restrictions.” Itachi answered for his partner, and the woman nodded. “Good enough.” She said, and turned back to the makeshift tables. 

Where the scrolls had provided what Akimichi called lunch, and other people called a five course meal. 

Itachi was slightly gratified to see Kisame’s very round eyes go rounder. 

“Whirligig!” Chouichi waved. “Over here.” 

Itachi moved in Chouichi’s direction and Kisame could only follow. 

“I asked you to stop calling me that.” Itachi said as Chouichi handed him a plate. 

“Hey I’m not the one who went missing-nin and nearly destroyed the world.” Chouichi offered Kisame a plate. The man took it. “So you’re stuck with it. Now sit.” 

Both Itachi and Kisame were masters of control but Chouichi rose a brow anyway, sensing their hesitation. “Nobody dies over food.” He said reasonably. “Clan rule. Now. Sit.” 

Itachi sat, graceful as a swan. Kisame had to shuffle a little bit on his piece of rubble to get something like comfortable.

Food was passed and eaten. 

“I still think the south wall-” 

“Look the man said he wanted the south wall all in one piece and I’m not gonna argue with him-” 

“Makaro could you pass the dumplings?” 

“What about soup will he eat soup?” 

Kisame realized this last bit was referring to him and his still-empty plate, and he looked up to see a myriad of blue and hazel and gray eyes watching him expectantly. He looked to the side and saw that Itachi had finished what he took and was accepting more. 

“I-” 

“Don’t say it.” Itachi warned him. 

“But I’m not-” 

“Don’t say it.” Itachi’s voice was softer now. He was very serious. 

“But I’m not _hungry._ ” 

Silence. Silence so thick it could be scooped with a spoon. 

“Get that man Auntie Yukino’s onigiri right now.” An older Akimichi said, and as Kisame nearly drowned in the plates forced upon him he could see out the corner of his eye Itachi slowly shaking his head and accepting a pickled plum from Chouji.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An explanation. Chouichi (who is, indeed, an OC) was in the canon of this fic on Itachi's genin team. He was Not Thrilled when the Uchiha Incident occurred.


	3. Water Feature

“A pond.” 

Kisame shrugged and eyed the three days’ worth of demolition and cleanup that had already been completed. “There’s room.” 

“There is also the small matter of you near water.” Itachi pointed out. The paperwork regarding Kisame was already an intimidating stack on the Hokage’s desk. Snatching up another village’s S-class missing-nin wasn’t exactly standard procedure. It helped that Mist had lost track of their former Swordsman, but the vetting?

Itachi was willing to bet it would take ten years before Kisame could breathe in Konoha without being watched. No, he didn't strictly need a body of water to be dangerous, but Itachi had been ANBU once. He was certain that if the idea was put forth it would be quickly snuffed. 

“Ponds are good feng shui.” Kisame responded. 

“Be that as it may,” Itachi said, “The Hokage would-” 

“Love for there to be a pond for Kisame to teach water techniques out of.” 

Itachi blinked. Chouji, sitting on a pile of rubble that had yet to be moved and enjoying a dumpling, waved. 

Okay. Maybe this idea wasn't going to be snuffed as quickly as he thought. 

“Come again?” Kisame asked. 

Chouji shrugged. “We cleared coming with Tsunade-hime first and someone mentioned water.” He said. “She said if you wanted a pond you’d need to be prepared to work for it.” 

Itachi raised an eyebrow. 

“We don’t have a lot of water-release strength in Konoha,” Chouji said. “plenty of fire and some earth, but aside from the basics we don’t have any experts in water jutsus. It was Iruka’s suggestion, actually. He could redesign the whole demonstration syllabus if it works out.”

“I don’t teach.” Kisame said. 

Chouji shrugged again. “If you want your pond, Hoshigaki-san, you’re going to have to.” He replied. He looked thoughtful. “I wonder if we can get cousin Toya to dig it. He’s from Iwa.” 

“What part of ‘I don’t teach’ did you not get?” Kisame asked. 

“But you can’t just dig a hole and expect it to hold water, either.” Chouji rubbed his chin. “We might have to call in engineers but how- ahhh Ino can convince them she can convince anyone to do anything.” He frowned. "I'll have to buy her some earrings." 

“Are you even listening?!” 

“Itachi-san, do you like koifish?” 

Kisame was strangling air. Itachi could feel his lips threatening something that resembled a smile. “As a matter of fact,” he said, “I do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -flails helplessly-


	4. Building

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> special guest appearance: that younger brother dude. Sas-something. Sasna? Saskey? Eh I'll remember it eventually.

The area which had once belonged to the Uchiha clan was now nothing more than bare ground. All debris had been taken away, all rubble cleared, and now Itachi Uchiha was faced with the next step. 

Building something. 

Which, in Itachi's honest opinion, might be more of a pain in the ass than demoing had been. 

There was no question that whatever got built wouldn’t be like what had stood before. Sure, the classic architecture was beautiful but considering how the Uchiha had wound up (and how the Hyuga were doing) there was something to be said for modern aesthetic. 

Itachi wondered if he shouldn’t just put up a nice duplex. Get some white picket fence, maybe a dog. 

Would the Inuzuka clan even let a breeder sell a dog to an Uchiha? 

Something to consider. 

Sasuke disagreed. Sitting across from his older brother at the table in the well guarded cottage they had been placed in he said, quietly, “I still want to renew our Clan.” 

Itachi didn’t look up from the schematics on the table. 

“I am not living in a duplex with you,” Sasuke added, and it was sour and a little sweet, like the brother he had been and not the still-angry, still-sad wraith he was now. Itachi let himself smile. 

“Okay. No duplexes.” 

He wasn’t even sure what he’d do with a white picket fence, anyway. 

The end result was to be two houses, set liberally apart with Kisame’s pond (although really it was a small lake wasn’t it) between them. Itachi figured they could put in a nice winding path linking the homes, give some kind of illusion of clan unity. They’d throw in some sage gates for decoration. 

There had to be trees along the path and the pond, maples. Kisame would complain about the leaves falling in his water, but leaf rot was important and Kisame liked red maples as much as Itachi did, maybe moreso. 

Besides he was essentially living rent-free in a nin-village that couldn’t afford to give him up to the enemy, he couldn’t bitch. 

“The Akimichi,” Sasuke said to his brother as they sketched, “don’t build houses.” 

“No they don’t.” Itachi said. 

\---

Hiruzen Sarutobi had been a crafty old bastard. 

The not-insubstantial sum of money that had been accruing as Itachi’s ‘payment for an S-rank away mission’ over the past years was proof enough of that. 

The interest rate had an alarming amount of zeroes. 

Itachi looked at the figure and then up. Beside him, Kaskashi looked bored, and on the other side, Gai stood at attention. 

(but Kakashi wasn’t reading and Gai wasn’t soliloquising so Itachi figured they were both still convinced he was murderous.) 

“I’m not sure,” he said to Tsunade, keeping his eyes on her desk, “that even this amount will convince a contractor.” 

“You don’t need to worry about the contractors. They’ve been set up.”

Itachi rose an eyebrow. He couldn’t see Tsunade’s smile (stipulation of his return, until otherwise decided never look directly at the Hokage), but he knew it was there. 

“I would prefer to vet them myself.” He said. 

“Yeah we know.” Kakashi said. “but it’s already been done.” 

“By who?” 

Tsunade tapped a portion of the contract she had withdrawn. Itachi eyeballed the clan symbol stamped there with some interest. 

“How?” He asked her. 

Tsunade’s smile only grew. “You’d be surprised,” she said, “how very persuasive Choza Akimichi can be.” 

\---

If an invasion of the Akimichi had been strange, an invasion of Hyuga was even stranger, albeit quieter. 

Itachi sat on the makeshift bench that Chouichi and Chouji had made that first day, and which had, for reasons unknown to him, remained there. He hoped remaining stationary made him seem less likely to snap and attempt to grievously injure a branch family member or civilian contractor. The head of the site was an older woman, gruff and seemingly uninterested as she had discussed Itachi's plans. He could almost hear her knees knocking together but he could respect her determination. 

Kisame was under guard at the academy, probably being pestered to death by students wanting to see the Water Dragon. 

Itachi had told him to be on his best behavior, not that Iruka Umino wouldn’t guarantee it. Kisame was surprisingly docile when teachers were involved. 

Chouji sat down beside Itachi. 

“Your father has no reason to trust me.” Itachi said, keeping his gaze straight forward and watching the digging commence. 

Chouji shrugged. “Akimichi convince the Hyuga to help a newly revived noble clan. The Hyuga get owed a favor and the Akimichi get a political alliance. Dad’s been trying to get one-up on Hiashi for years.” 

Itachi’s lips threatened a smile, which was happening more and more often maybe he should see a medic about that. “Your brother was completely hopeless with clan politics.” 

Chouji grinned almost recklessly and Itachi wondered what this was doing for his reputation, sitting beside an S-class criminal not quite cleared as though he wasn’t afraid.

Strangely enough, Itachi figured, Chouji wasn’t afraid- that or he was damn good at hiding it. Perhaps that was a little stupid, but it was also sort of heartening.

“That’s why I’m heir and Chouichi's spare.” the younger Akimichi said. “Oh we have engineers for the pond did anyone tell you? And I didn’t even have to buy Ino something shiny. Which is good because damn that girl has expensive taste.” 

Itachi leaned back on his palms, let the Hyuga watch his every move, and smelled the deep earth as it was excavated. 

It smelled like new beginnings.


	5. Here Comes The Hurricane

Construction was happening at a nice pace, which Itachi appreciated. Not that he wasn’t grateful for the well-defended cottage on the Nara clan lands, of course, but the deer were starting to seem rather shifty. There was also the not-inconsiderable matter of it being _Nara_ land, and if Itachi remembered anything from his childhood lessons it was be wary of anyone who could kill you three hundred moves ahead but felt breathing was too much effort. 

Itachi got to know a few of the workers on the site, which was an inevitability he prepared for mostly by doing his best to be polite and to never ever make eye contact with anyone. It seemed his efforts in that regard were paying off. It helped immensely that Sasuke continued to be an obvious and acknowledged presence, and with Sasuke seemed to come the entire passel of his graduating class. Did they trust either Uchiha? Itachi rather doubted it but their united front couldn't be denied. 

Itachi could see the future, and he knew it involved at least one very loud party. He was glad Sasuke had decided to maintain a separate living space if only to save the furniture they would have to buy. 

A list of protections for the houses had already been made, debated, rewritten, debated again, and lost in the Hokage’s paperwork pile before finally being accepted. The group that came in to help with that work was not Hyuga- it was a mixed bag of clans and families, all of whom had been vetted to work on noble houses. 

Itachi had been surprised that the Uchiha remained, officially, one of the four Pillar clans. Apparently a sudden and drastic drop in clan membership didn’t get rid of your title or your noble duties. 

Which Chouichi was enjoying immensely. 

“Better you than me,” he said to Itachi when one of the aides from the Hokage’s office mentioned, somewhat meekly, that he would have to begin attending the Clan Head meetings in the next two months. Not even Itachi’s best scowl had scared the woman away. Chouichi had been bent over double, he was laughing so hard. 

"You're gonna have to get new clothes!" He'd snorted, "with fans on 'em!"

Itachi considered, and then abandoned, informing Chouichi that he had no room to talk, as the word 'food' was literally written on his chest. Itachi liked his lungs right where they were. He didn't want to give his oldest- only?- childhood friend a reason to rip them out. 

Work on the pond was progressing as swiftly as the houses, which was ideal both for the harassed landscaper and Itachi. The pond was important to Itachi because it was important to Kisame, and because the sooner he had water, the sooner he could hide from The Girl. 

If The Girl had a name, Itachi didn’t know it- Kisame only ever referred to her as ‘The Girl’. Itachi had gathered that she was a student at the academy, one who had been very interested in the demonstration of water jutsus that Kisame had been strong-armed into. 

“She’s loud.” Kisame told Itachi over dinner. “And annoying.” 

“Sounds like good student material,” Sasuke commented, and Itachi didn’t snort but he did let his lips curve up a little bit. 

Kisame seemed to spend a lot of time trying to avoid The Girl, but as he claimed she could be anywhere at any time, Itachi mostly thought he just wanted to avoid children altogether. When quizzed as to whether or not he had informed the ANBU that this girl was bothering him, Kisame admitted that he had, but that they had done nothing. 

Itachi could understand. They probably thought it was hilarious. 

A few discreet inquiries failed to get very far in discovering The Girl's identity. Itachi, who was nothing if not resourceful, decided to go with the next best thing. He asked Sasuke to ask his eight constant shadows if they knew who the girl was. 

The story, as Sasuke told it to Itachi, was as such: After a session with his therapist he asked Sakura who asked Ino that afternoon when they went out to lunch, who mentioned it to Kiba during a date who in turn told Shino the next morning on a short mission. Shino then spoke with Hinata that afternoon who cross-examined timetables with her cousin Neji in order to ascertain that The Girl was none other than- 

Hyuga Hanabi. 

The same afternoon Itachi finally got the name was the day Hanabi showed up at the construction site. 

“What do you want?!” Kisame asked, and Itachi had to assume that he was exasperated. Having never heard Kisame exasperated before, he didn’t have much to go on. 

Hanabi peered over the edge of the hole that was being dug, getting plenty of earth all over her expensive clothes. “Is this gonna be your pond?” She asked. 

“Get away from there you’ll fall!” Kisame said. 

Itachi stared at him. 

“No I won’t.” Hanabi frowned and glared at Kisame. “For an S-class missing nin you sure are a ninny.” 

Itachi tensed but Kisame just growled. “And you’re not even a genin yet shoo.” 

“I’ll be a genin soon!” Hanabi insisted. “I’m the top of my class! Better than my sister.” 

“Your sister,” Itachi said quietly, “is an accomplished chunin, Lady Hanabi.” 

Hanabi glared, which was unnerving if you weren't used to a Hyuga glare; Itachi was beginning to galvanize. 

“I wasn’t talking to you.” She said. 

Kisame made a noise that was remarkably like a snort of laughter. Itachi slowly turned to look at him. This maneuver had made lesser men wet their pants. It just made Kisame roll his eyes. 

“Besides I have better drive! I want to know things! NEW things!” Hanabi pointed at Kisame. “Weird fish things!” 

“Hey!” Kisame said. 

Hanabi crossed her skinny arms and glared. “I want to learn and I want you to teach me.” 

“I’m not teaching anyone!” Kisame said. “Now would you please just-” 

Itachi had to admit, Hanabi’s hand seals were quick and very masterful. Expected of an heiress of the Hyuga. The Water Missile wasn’t anywhere near what Kisame could summon, but it had enough precise control to drench him- and nothing else. 

Kisame blinked. 

Hanabi grinned. 

Itachi carefully took three steps to the left of his companion. It was Kisame’s turn to look at him. 

Itachi did not like the look in the mist-nin’s round, animalistic eyes. 

“Do it again.” Kisame commanded his student. “Faster.” 

Hanabi gleefully obeyed her teacher’s command. 

Itachi would maintain that he could have dodged the Water Missile, but to do so would have deprived Hanabi of her very first lesson, and as the Head of another noble Clan, he had his duties. Besides, if it put the Branch house workers at ease to see their future Clan Head soaking Uchiha Itachi of the Sharingan, so much the better. 

He did send Hiashi the drycleaning bill.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kisame and Hanabi as the bestworst student/teacher duo since Maito Gai and Rock Lee y/y?
> 
> Also, a note: I do not tend to use the double U in the spelling of Hyuga due to being a grizzled old goat. Much like spelling Chouji with a 'u' instead of without, it's a habit I don't care enough about to try and force a change.


	6. What Whirligig Wants

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oh shit we're getting serious (no not really)

By the time both houses and the requisite path between them had been finished, marking off official territory owned by the Uchiha Clan of Konohagakagure-no-Sato, spring was transforming into summer and Itachi could look people in the eye again. 

He didn't do it often, not as often as Sasuke. Sasuke had an easier time fitting back into the village. His eight shadows (or, counting Neji Hyuga and his teammates, wasn't that eleven?) helped immensely in that regard. It wasn't perfect, no, but like a pale porcelain vase whose cracks had been sealed with gold, there was beauty and hope in the wreckage. 

Even Kisame had found a place. Hanabi, it seemed, did command some clout in her age group. It was hard to think of a ninja as inherently threatening when he spent all his time hiding in his newly filled pond or teaching water jutsus to brats. 

"you use water release," Itachi had said to Chouichi, who had grinned that grin that showed his unusually large Akimichi canines and said, "We all know how good I am with children." 

Since Chouichi was the first Akimichi to ever successfully join the ANBU and make a toddler cry and not feel bad about it, Itachi didn't argue. 

The Clan meetings weren't good, but they weren't awful either. Many of the Clan Heads were the same men from Itachi's youth, had seen him sit beside his father the same way Chouji now sat beside Choza. 

Itachi didn't have much to contribute in way of business- his clan consisted of two people, three if you wanted to count the paperwork on Kisame- so he mostly listened. Some things never changed. Debates still raged over who owned what land and who was trying to cheat who out of a decent marriage contract but more important matters had arisen of late. 

Itachi was mostly certain that if those important matters hadn't involved him, he never would have been welcomed back to Konoha in the first place. 

Still everyone was respectful and Itachi was respectful back. There was talk of getting him back in the mission rotation which met with strong opposition. There was an uproar in Itachi's favor, to the Uchiha Clan Head's surprise.

It was a somewhat heartening uproar, because it involved Maito Gai waxing poetic over how Itachi had proven his worth (by not murdering anyone, apparently) and numerous words of support from old comrades who really shouldn't have been supporting Itachi at all, including Kakashi, who could be bothered to look up from his book long enough to say "Saaa, he's mostly stable." before returning to his literature. 

The whole situation calmed a bit when it became general knowledge that Itachi had asked _not_ to be put on the roster. It was a blow to the village's defenses however one looked at it but as Itachi explained to Chouichi, who kept popping up and dragging him to public places for dinner, missions weren't what he wanted. 

"If you don't want to take missions, that's your business," Chouichi said to him, "But do you even _know_ what you want, whirligig?" 

What did he want? 

Itachi talked it over with Kisame that night, sitting on the new porch that still smelled like wood varnish. 

"You don't like to fight, Itachi." Kisame said, and Itachi agreed because this was true. Kisame loved fighting, loved killing in a visceral way that Itachi couldn't fault him for, but the Uchiha was not the same. Victory was preferable. Victory at the cost of life was the price a ninja paid, and Itachi thought perhaps he'd paid enough. It was ignorant to think he would never fight again, but if he could avoid it, could create even a semblance of a false peace, it would be worth it. 

"You like kids." Kisame said. 

Itachi saw where it was going. "You think?" He asked thoughtfully. 

"I'd say medi-nin but we both know your bedside manner is lacking. Besides, that horrifying woman would never teach you." 

Itachi snorted and the next morning he filled out an application. He didn't think anything would come of it and had pretty much resigned himself to wandering around the village as a sort of oddity for children to exclaim over- not so bad a future, really.

Then Umino Iruka had shown up at his new front door, a Chunin On A Mission. 

With folders. And charts. And graphs. All color-coded. 

"The curriculum," he said to an astonished Itachi, "has changed a lot since you were in school. It's gonna take me months to catch you up but we need a genjutsu instructor yesterday." 

Kisame tried to sneak out the back. 

"Don't you think I don't know about your missing rubrics!" Iruka yelled over Itachi's shoulder, and there was an abrupt splash as Kisame made a swim for it. 

"Did he even fill out an application?" Itachi asked Iruka. 

Iruka shook his head. "I think Hanabi filled it out for him." He said. "Though perhaps Hinata helped, she does have distinctive handwriting."

"I'll make tea," Itachi said, and ushered his colleague into his home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It is my firm belief that if life had gone differently for Itachi, he would have been the best damn coworker Iruka could have asked for. So that's what's gonna happen here. Because Itachi the super-teacher is something we all deserved but did not get.


	7. Grocery Shopping For The Vengeance-Inept

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sasuke learns about friendship, magic, and what a beet actually is.

Chouji took pity on Sasuke for a couple of reasons. 

The first was that Sasuke had never ASKED to have fans (of the screaming, normally female, kind) and he’d certainly never asked any of them to hang around him while he tried to achieve ordinary tasks. 

The second was that Chouji could sense a bad shopping list from miles away, and the piece of paper Sasuke was studiously examining while ignoring his crowd of admirers was screeching ‘I don’t know the difference between scurvy and a hangover’ at the top of its fiberous lungs. 

So Chouji Akimichi steeled himself and waded into the overperfumed fray. “Excuse me, pardon me, sorry miss” he repeated as he worked his way forward until he was finally beside Sasuke. 

The Uchiha not-so-much Avenger looked at him and blinked. It was the Sasuke equivalent of ‘please help’.

Chouji looked around and saw salvation. 

“Hey, is that Sai?” He asked Sasuke conversationally as the fans fell silent. “I think his shirt’s higher than usual.” 

Moments later they were all gone, and Sai, walking the other direction towards his favorite art supply store, was getting first hand experience in the emotion of ‘bewilderment’. 

“That was devious.” Sasuke said.

Chouji shrugged. “It was necessary. Who wrote this?” He squinted at the list. “There’s nothing but condiments on here.” 

“I didn’t get to finish it.” Sasuke said. “I forgot to put meat on there.” 

Chouji didn’t grab his bosom in shock because he was trying very hard to break himself of the habit. Instead he said, “Are you shopping for just you, or you and..?” 

Sasuke shook his head. “Itachi wants to set up delivery.” 

Chouji blinked. He could see the good and the bad in grocery delivery. Itachi probably thought it would make him look less menacing. Itachi would wear a hot pink kimono if he thought it would make him seem less menacing, which just endeared him even more to Chouji. Hard not to like a guy who could totally murder you by blinking and who just wanted to live his life. 

“So just you then.” Chouji confirmed. “For now. Do you have _any_ idea what you're doing?” 

Sasuke gave Chouji a wary, curious look. Ever since the entire clan had shown up to help demolish and rebuild, he’d been uncertain where it was he stood with the young Akimichi heir. They’d never talked in school, barely interacted during the Chunin exam.

Still, practicality. 

“Help.” Sasuke said. 

“Hey you said that without hemorrhaging.” Chouji said. “I am genuinely impressed.” 

“Were you always this snarky?” Sasuke muttered. 

“Only to Shikamaru.” Chouji admitted. “So enjoy it, because no one will ever believe you.” He took Sasuke’s list and balled it up. 

“Hey!” 

“Man cannot live on fish sauce alone, Sasuke.” Chouji said. “Follow me.” 

Sasuke, left without many options aside from going off on his own and getting mobbed a second time, did as he was told. 

After a quick discussion of finances and diet- where Chouji did, indeed, put his hand on his bosom in shock and then immediately berated himself for it- Sasuke Uchiha was taught The Proper Way To Shop. 

“This is a vegetable. You need these.” 

“I am aware of what a beet is, Chouji.” 

“I don’t think you are.” 

Being with an Akimichi opened food avenues Sasuke hadn’t been aware existed. Of course when he’d lived by himself before no one had ever really tried to cheat him- you had to be a real asshole to sell stale bread, rotten fruit and out of date meat to a ten year old orphan. 

(That it had probably happened to Naruto all the time was something Sasuke studiously refused to think about.) 

The point was, Sasuke had always done okay shopping by himself. He cooked to survive. 

Without a doubt so did the Akimichi, but they also cooked for the enjoyment of it, and it showed in every package inspected. Chouji’s bullshitometer, especially regarding price and freshness, was so on point Sasuke wondered if it was some kind of family jutsu. Simply standing beside an Akimichi gave Sasuke access to better cuts and fresher picks. There were samples, there were discussions, there were recipe suggestions. Shopping was no longer a necessity, it was an _event._

By the time they had what Chouji deemed ‘okay, for the basics’, three hours had passed and Sasuke was wondering if missions had ever been this tiring. 

“It’s a lot of people,” Chouji said to him as they began walking towards the Uchiha compound, “Isn’t it?” 

"How do you do that?" Sasuke demanded. 

"We've been eating in Konoha a long time." Chouji pointed out. "You get used to it." 

Sasuke was quiet for a moment, watching the road ahead in contemplation. 

“Why did you help us?” He asked. 

Chouji snorted. “Ino is always going on and on about your cool, charismatic conversational skills. Remind me to tell her you suck.” 

The Sasuke of Before probably would have stalked off after being shot down like that. The Sasuke of now pointed out, “That doesn’t answer my question.” 

“You needed help. We’re Akimichi. We help. It’s what we do.” 

“Our clans have never been close.” Sasuke said, and Chouji shook his head. “You’re wrong, there.” He said. “We were once.” 

Sasuke looked at Chouji sharply and the Akimichi gave a careful shrug so as not to dislodge the many packages he was carrying. “My father and your father talked pretty regular, as I remember. The Akimichi were in charge of the kitchens for the jail when the police force existed. Dad lobbied for Akimichi to be allowed on the police force but the Third said it wasn’t necessary.” 

Sasuke felt a knot tighten in his gut. 

“When the massacre happened,” Chouji continued, “Dad was- emotional.” 

Choza had been more than just ‘emotional’. He had been furious, he had been sad. He had broken things designed to withstand an Akimichi. 

Chouichi had been worse. He'd nearly been kicked out of the Compound. 

“So I guess when you came back with Itachi,” Chouji said, “We saw it as an opportunity to try again.” 

“To curry favor.” Sasuke spat. 

“To be friends, Sasuke.” Chouji said sharply. “You know what those are? Naruto, Sakura?” 

Sasuke was quiet and the quiet meant he was Brooding so Chouji let him do that. 

“Your brother and Itachi are friends.” Sasuke said at the conclusion of his Brooding. 

“They were.” Chouji acknowledged. “They’re trying again. Well, okay, Chouichi’s trying again and Chouichi doesn’t really try, he just does, so whether Itachi wants it or not I think they’re gonna be friends again. Might even make friends with Kisame, if he feels like it. They have a lot in common.” 

“Are we friends, Chouji?” Sasuke asked as they came to the wide cobbled path which led to a new and lonely house. 

Chouji considered the question as he followed Sasuke into the kitchen and Sasuke let him. They put the food away and Chouji said at last, “I think we are.” 

“You think?” 

“It’s as much up to you as it is me, Sasuke.” Chouji said. “Friendship isn’t one person making a declaration.” 

“It seems to work for Naruto.” 

“Naruto bends all laws of rational nature.” Chouji said. 

Sasuke leaned on the counter. 

“We’re friends.” He said at last. These connections which he had once regarded as weaknesses were proving both irritating and very important. They had brought him back, had brought Itachi back. They were reviving his life, piece by piece. Sasuke had never considered a life after killing Itachi. It was always a nebulous 'someday' where he married and had children, brought the Uchiha back in force. Now that someday was here, and it was shaping up to be very different from anything he'd considered before. Was that bad? Was it good?

“That’s good.” Chouji said, answering a spoken statement and an unspoken question. “Now can a friend show you how to cook?” 

“I know how to cook.”

“You know how to boil water, Sasuke Uchiha. Your genius does not extend to stirfry.” 

“I survived just fine before this!”

“I’m betting you’re forty percent salt and everything else is combined sugars and transfats. If your metabolism wasn’t so amazing you’d look like me.” 

“Hey who’s the one who eats chips?” Sasuke asked testily. 

“Do not meddle in the foodstuffs of the Akimichi,” Chouji said sagely, “for you are crunchy and go well with soy sauce. Now where’s your wok?” 

Sasuke learned how to make a stirfry ("With ACTUAL VEGETABLES!”) that evening. He learned how to properly season a wok and how to bid goodnight to a friend. 

In the quiet after Chouji finally left, Sasuke sat on his porch. He looked up at the stars and wondered if they had ever seemed so numerous. He wondered if stars ever talked to one another, called each other friends. 

He judged this fanciful ridiculousness as a side effect of hanging out with Chouji and went to bed.


	8. Membership Drive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> recruiting new Uchihas seems to be simpler than expected.

Itachi Uchiha had taken many injuries in his long, illustrious, and somewhat marred career as a ninja. As far as he was aware, despite close contact with Deidara, none of those injuries had damaged his ears in any permanent fashion. 

Which insinuated that he had in fact heard what he thought he'd heard. 

Only he couldn't have, because it was absurd. 

"I'm…sorry?" Itachi asked. 

Kakashi shrugged. "It seemed like a good idea this morning." He said, hands in his pockets. 

"You- want to-" 

"Join the Uchiha Clan, Mr. Head Uchiha sir." Kakashi repeated it like he was telling Itachi the morning weather report. 

Itachi spent a moment or two blinking. 

"Why?" He asked at last. 

Kakashi gave a loaded sigh. "Do you remember your first mission?" 

Itachi thought, and almost replied, but then he thought again. Kakashi had not been present for his first mission as a ninja. He had, however, been present for another first. 

"Yes." He said, remembering how strange the ANBU mask had felt, and how naturally Kakashi had seemed to wear it. 

"Do you remember asking me whose side I was on?" Kakashi asked. 

Itachi was silent. 

"What I told you then was hypocritical." Kakashi said. "Because you were my friend too, Itachi, and maybe you didn't die a real death, but a part of you died all the same." 

Itachi's office- newly painted, looking a little shocked from the floor polish and the lemon cleaner that had been used to wrestle it into submission before he took up residence as Konoha Academy's newest Genjutsu instructor- suddenly seemed far too closed in. 

"Then I got Sasuke," Kakashi continued, knowing that Itachi's heart was hammering like a drum and knowing if he stopped talking they would both regret it, "and I messed up again. Naruto and Sakura had to bail me out." 

Kakashi's hand twitched towards his pouch, but a copy of Icha Icha did not emerge, and Itachi was intensely grateful for that. 

"If I'm gonna keep screwing up," Kakashi said, "I'd like to do it where others have input." 

"You don't need to be an Uchiha for that." Itachi said. 

"I don't need to be a Hatake, either. I'm never going to father children. Even if I did, Obito's sharingan wouldn't pass on." There was a moment of intense regret which shined in Kakashi's visible eye before it vanished, neatly boxed up. 

"I don't know what Sasuke would make of this." Itachi said. 

"He'll be pissed." Kakashi said. 

"Joining my clan will not make up for either of our past mistakes." Itachi warned Kakashi. "And if I may be blunt, it's hardly going to do you any favors." 

"Well, no." Kakashi agreed. "but the fans are kind of neat. What's your dog policy?" 

"I'll have to look it up." Itachi said. He resisted the urge to ask Kakashi if he had thought, if he had talked with anyone- Tenzou (or was that Yamato now?) Gai, hell either of his former students. 

Of course Kakashi had thought, debated, likely had run himself in circles since Itachi returned to the village and made it clear that he wouldn't be leaving again. Kakashi was a consummate ninja. He could see beneath the beneath. 

"You realize, assuming you fit all parameters for entry, there has to be an official ceremony?" Itachi asked Kakashi.

"Eh we'll let the Akimichi cater."

"We're talking the entire village." Itachi warned Kakashi. Changing or joining clans was no small thing, and a single unattached adult joining a clan as notorious as the Uchiha? That adult being Sharingan Kakashi? 

Itachi almost pitied whatever poor ANBU would be stuck on security detail. 

"Even better! Maybe I'll finally see Chouichi bite someone." Kakashi leaned forward conspiratorially. "Do you want to put money in that pot? Genma's got the best odds right now. There's a sixty forty on him being venomous." 

Itachi didn't snort, but there was a hint of it around his nose. "I'll think about it." He said. 

"You do that." Kakashi said, and left Itachi in his newly painted office with its sunny windows. 

Later that evening- after a quiet dinner with Sasuke that became far less quiet with the revelation of Kakashi's intentions- Itachi looked out over Kisame's pond. A sliver of moon reflected on the water's surface. A childish part of Itachi wished to skip a stone. Instead, he flared his chakra in a precise pattern. 

A moment later a blue head emerged, breaking the moonlight apart. 

Itachi asked, "How important is Hoshigaki, exactly?" 

Kisame smiled with every serrated tooth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you read that as a nod to Kisame/Itachi? Okay, that's cool. Did you read it as Itachi asking his single closest friend to officially join his family? That's cool, too. I wanted to go for either/or. 
> 
> Kakashi is referencing a mission that happened in the anime but not in the manga, as far as I know.


	9. The Customer Is Always Right

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we take a brief detour to check on Yamanaka Ino, who liked it when things were simpler.

It had been a long and hectic year for Yamanaka Ino. 

She'd become a chunin, she'd advanced in both medical and mental jutsu training, her father had given her more responsibilities in the shop and Sasuke had come back. 

With his brother the murderous psychopath. 

And a walking, talking shark. 

Of course as it turned out things weren't nearly as simple as "Itachi lost his shit and decided to get happy with a katana", but Ino was sort of yearning for the time when that was the accepted explanation. 

The weirdest part of this whole affair was that Chouji, of all people, seemed to be the closest to the newly revived Uchiha Clan. Apparently Sasuke didn't know how to shop or something. Ino had listened just long enough to berate Chouji for attempting to take Sasuke from her, for old time's sake. 

Inoichi was thrilled that the Akimichi had stepped up for the Uchiha. "It opens up all kinds of opportunities," he'd told his daughter, but he hadn't precisely expanded on what those opportunities were. Ino could guess at a few- she wasn't future head of the Yamanaka for nothing- but all in all, she wasn't nearly as enthusiastic. 

Ino Yamanaka didn't like change, and she was thinking about how much she hated it when it waltzed in her front door, ringing the little bell that hung overhead. 

"What is this?" 

"It's a flower shop, sensei. What do they not have flower shops in Kiri?" 

"Flowers are frivolous." 

"You need to live a little." 

Ino looked up from her magazine to see Hanabi Hyuga striding as confidently as a genin with such scrawny legs could stride down the main aisle. Following her was the walking talking shark. 

Ino leaned forward, the motion letting her hair fall forward in a pleasing fashion and allowing her fingertips to stroke one of precisely twenty kunai strapped to the underside of her countertop. "Hanabi! How are you?" 

Ino had a soft spot for Hanabi. Compared to her sister Hinata the younger Hyuga was a spitfire, always good for gossip even if she wasn't quite old enough to hear all the really good stuff. 

"I'm doing well, thank you. We need flowers!" Hanabi bounced the last step to the countertop. "like, a lot of flowers. Sensei?" 

The shark withdrew a little piece of paper from somewhere in his voluminous sleeves. Behind her back Ino made two quick hand seals. He handed it over. In her vision the paper remained white, not a tinge of purple to it- it wasn't poisoned. 

She looked the paper over, felt an old, stale flutter in her heart when she recognized the handwriting as Sasuke's. 

"Daffodils?" She asked. 

Hanabi nodded. "And- what else is on that list?" 

Ino read it over. "Blue violets and anthuriums." She gave Hanabi a sly grin. "I'd ask if you were getting married but.." 

Hanabi snorted. "As if I'd pick anthuriums for my wedding." She said. "It's for Itachi-san, right Sensei?" 

"There is- some kind of ceremony." The shark offered. 

"Some kind of ceremony he says Sensei you're as stupid as every other boy I know." Hanabi huffed. She turned to Ino, white eyes sparkling. "Sensei's gonna join the Uchiha Clan!" 

Ino blinked. 

"Oh and I think Kakashi is too? Or that's what Itachi-san and Sasuke-san were arguing about when we left with our list." 

Ino blinked. 

"I…see." She said. 

The shark shrugged. "I am told this is necessary." He gestured at the list. 

"Oh we can have the requisite arrangements ready with just twenty-four hours' notice I'm sorry did you say you were joining the Uchiha Clan?" 

The shark nodded. 

Ino stared at him. 

"And there's gonna be a party!" Hanabi said. 

"I would expect so." Ino finally managed. "Um-?" 

"Kisame." The Shark said. 

"Kisame-san." Ino said. "When do you expect to need these flowers?" 

"Within the month?" Kisame asked Hanabi. The young Hyuga groaned and said to Ino, "The ceremony's supposed to take place two months from today. Is that enough time?" 

"It should be." Ino said faintly. "What account am I charging?" 

A slip was dutifully produced from the sleeves. Ino wondered absently if there was some kind of fuinjutsu sewn into the lining. 

"Right. Okay." Ino focused on filling out an order form. "Daffodils, blue violets, anthuriums. Two months from today. I take it we're dropping them off at the main temple?" 

At Kisame's alarmed look she said, "I can iron out the details with Itachi-san, of course." 

"Where is there a temple?" Kisame whispered to Hanabi as Ino finished her paperwork with a slightly more ornate than usual flourish. 

"Are there no temples in Kiri either?" Hanabi demanded. 

"I never went looking." 

"You're a terrible person, Sensei." 

"Here you go!" Ino offered the slip, holding it carefully between her two customers. Hanabi reached for it first and Ino was relieved to give it to her. 

"Thanks, Ino!" She said. Then she looked at Kisame. "See? Errands aren't bad." 

"Errands would be better if they were useful training exercises." Kisame said. 

"If you're Iruka, you do make them training exercises." Ino said absently. 

A moment later the Shark was staring at her and it took everything she had not to grab one of her twenty kunai. "Pardon?" 

"Iruka Umino. From the Academy? He wrote a whole paper about making mundane things training for young ninja- honing their skills without exposing them to battlefield situations until they were mentally ready." 

Hanabi huffed. "That's what D class missions are for." 

"D-class missions have strict parameters, Hanabi." Ino said kindly. It was easy to understand Hanabi's irritation- you could only go after the Damiyo's wife's pet cat so many times before you wondered why you couldn't just skin the damn thing and be done with it. "Errands are erratic with lots of shifting dynamics. They're perfect for training." 

"Do you teach, Yamanaka-san?" Kisame asked. 

"Me? Oh, oh no. I'm-" Ino trailed off. "I'm no good for teaching." 

"I don't know, Ino." Hanabi said. "If this lug can do it, why can't you?" 

"Why must you injure me so?" Kisame asked. "Do you know who I used to be?" 

"You never stopped being who you were before." Hanabi scolded Kisame. "Now you're just doing it in Konoha, which is a whole other thing. We have to go." 

"Of course. We'll have your order ready. Thank you for picking our shop." Ino said, and she bid them goodbye. 

The little bell tinkled and Hanabi and her teacher the shark were gone. 

This left Ino Yamanaka amidst pots, cuttings, and a swirl of thoughts she wasn't certain she liked. 

Teaching. 

Teaching? 

"Hm." Ino murmured, and went to repot a few geraniums.


	10. A Beautiful Day For A Funeral

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Whatever happened to Danzo?

Danzo Shimura's official cause of death was listed as ‘natural’. 

Tsunade was adamant that he had died of natural causes, and anyone who thought differently had to face the very real possibility that if her medical expertise was called into question she would break their face. And probably their skull, and their spine, and everything else, likely in rapid succession. 

The funeral had been held two weeks before Sasuke Uchiha returned to the village, bringing with him (amongst other things) Orochimaru’s head in a bag and his older estranged brother, S-rank Kiri missing nin in tow. The day had been sunny and a little chilly in the morning, spring shedding the last of winter. 

It had been a very big funeral, for Danzo had been a well known man. Not necessarily well liked, but in death that suited him as well as it had in life. Danzo Shimura had not been out to make friends. He had been dedicated to Konoha, without question and without hesitation. 

As was fitting he was given a spot near the memorial for the Third Hokage. The Shimura clan had protested only a little before Tsunade gently pointed out that they had been friends in life, and that Danzo had spent many years guarding Hiruzen’s back; did he not deserve to be by his friend in death? 

There were many flowers. 

Tsunade admired them and listened to the eulogies. Nearly everyone had a story about Danzo and some of them were actually funny. A small part of the Fifth was sad that she'd never met the man the older mourners described. Her own eulogy was short, straight, and to the point. 

"Konoha has lost a great champion, and is made less for it." 

No doubt some would find it too brief, others would claim she was displaying obvious favoritism. Tsunade normally let Shizune deal with complaints like that. She had replaced the desk in her office three times already and was forbidden from hearing aggravating things while sitting. 

Once the speeches wound down and the crowd began to disperse the Fifth Hokage decided that before she attended the celebration at the Shimura compound she needed a drink. 

She went no further than the Nara clan compound, and when Nara Shikaku opened his door to find her waiting he grinned. 

"How did you get out of there before me?" She demanded. 

"Old clan secret." Shikaku said. "Not giving a fuck." 

Inside Shikaku’s study, as far from prying eyes as one could be save the bottom level of Torture and Interrogation, Tsunade said, “I never want to see another almond in my life.” 

Shikaku poured her another drink and shrugged. “I could get used to them.” 

“I bet you could.” She muttered. Then, “How is Choza?” 

“Fine.” Shikaku said.

“And Inoichi?” 

“Better.” 

Tsunade nodded, had one more drink, and left. She put in her requisite appearance at the Shimura compound and fell into a pleasant and dreamless sleep that night. There were other things to do and in the coming days she took care of it, delegating the dismantling of ROOT, finding new work for the ninja under Danzo's thrall and completing the enviable task of sorting through the paperwork regarding his extensive experimentation. 

(When presented with Orochimaru's head, Tsunade was almost relieved. That she spent the night drinking and swearing at unseen stupid former team mates was beside the point.) 

Uchiha Itachi’s later investigations would turn up the death certificate that the Fifth Hokage had signed. He would read with his own two red eyes that Danzo Shimura, Konoha’s Root, had been done in not by an enemy nin or one of his own but rather by simple biology. An unknown almond allergy which hit too fast and too sudden for any medical jutsu to prevent. 

No matter that the almonds had been cultivated in the Nara forest, on a patch of land Inoichi Yamanaka guarded with his life until they came to maturity, infused with chakra. 

No matter that they had been pure-pressed in a Nara’s grinding mill, turned to smooth oil. 

No matter that the oil found its way into a vat in which chopsticks were cured, to be used in a restaurant owned by the Akimichi. 

No matter that this restaurant was where Danzo ordered lunch three times a week. 

No matter that Sasuke’s first coded letter to the Hokage had been read aloud in that self-same study, where handwriting samples and the Trio's collectively airtight memory confirmed Itachi’s scribbled additions. 

No matter that after three days of debate, sharp words, apologies and stubborn refusals the Advisor to the Hokage had looked at her and at his two closest friends and said, “We need Itachi more than we need Shimura.” 

No, no matter at all.

Danzo Shimura had died of natural causes, and Konoha mourned his loss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No way in the seven hells would Itachi have agreed to come back to Konoha while Danzo was still alive. So. Things were taken care of. -eyeballs older InoShikaCho- you sneaky sneaky bastards.


	11. A Village By Any Other Name

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kisame Hoshigaki is fine with becoming Kisame Uchiha; it's the 'of the Village Hidden in the Leaves' bit at the end that has him getting cold fins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chouichi Akimichi, OC extraordinaire, does more than stand around and be snarky this chapter. Get used to him. I like him and he's not leaving.

The day was beautiful in Konoha. So many days were beautiful in Konoha. Kisame was starting to see why Itachi had been so hellbent on defending the village in the first place. There hadn’t been a single damp, clinging fog since Kisame had arrived- just the whispy children of fog, tendrils in the morning burned off with the rising of the sun. Likewise the wind rarely blew in frigid gusts. The smell of rotting fish didn't seem to permeate every street near a source of water. 

It was almost as if the entire village was smugly saying. “See? We are superior in every way, shape, and form to that salt-encrusted hellhole you left behind.”

Which, while being essentially true, made Kisame distinctly uncomfortable.

As the day of the Joining ceremony approached the discomfort was growing. Maybe it had something to do with how many people Kisame had been forced to interact with- people who weren’t his students at the Academy, easily cowed into submission with a look or a demonstration of a quote unquote cool jutsu. First there had been the pretty woman at the flower shop, then the large matron at the Akimichi compound (the Matriarch, as it turned out,) then his fellow Joiner and that was just awkward all around because really hadn’t they tried to kill one another once or twice?

(His friend the Bowl Cut STILL didn't remember Kisame. Jerk.) 

People were in and out and Itachi took it all in stride because Itachi took all things in stride. When he snapped it was nearly always internally. Kisame admired and hated that reserve in his partner.

“You’re uneasy.” Itachi said over dinner.

“I am dealing with it.” Kisame assured him.

Itachi took a sip of his tea and gave Kisame a long look.

“It’s very different from Kiri, isn’t it?” He asked.

Kisame shrugged. “A village is a village.” He said.

“You don’t mean that.” Itachi said, and it was his newly minted ‘gently scolding teacher’ voice. “You should talk to Chouichi.”

Kisame blinked. “Big Red? Why?”

“He is technically Medium Red.” Itachi said. “Big Red is his father.”

“You didn’t answer my question.”

“There aren’t any former kiri nin here to speak with.” Itachi said. “I am too close to the subject and you wouldn’t want to upset me. Iruka would harass you for your rubrics-”

“Hey I passed those in-”

“and wax poetic about the Will of Fire for twenty minutes, which is not what you need. You can’t talk to your students and you won’t talk to the ANBU on duty. Sasuke is-out of the question.”

They were both quiet for a moment, silently sharing the mental image of Kisame trying to talk to Sasuke about anything besides training.

“Chouji is direct,” Itachi continued, "and that’s what you want, but he’s also too kind and that makes you uneasy.“ Itachi smiled. "Chouichi is only direct.”

Kisame 'hmd’ and the conversation was over. The next day after work (a novelty in and of itself, having a regular job that didn't end in slaughter) Kisame headed for the Akimichi compound. He’d been to the Chouichi's home once or twice before- a smaller house on the clan's lands bordering the Nara forest, one of several dotted about for Akimichi who had reached an age to be living independently but didn’t move into greater Konoha for one reason or another.

Getting onto Akimichi land wasn’t hard. Kisame would have wondered about the lack of obvious security aside from a couple of guards at the gate if he hadn’t personally witnessed an Akimichi ten year old punch a building down.

(Her name was Sayako and she had been very pleased when Kisame clapped.)

After confirming Kisame’s permissions (and wasting time so that his constant ANBU shadow could no doubt make it over the wall before him) the guards waved Kisame on through. The kiri nin followed the left path and then took a short right.

Set back from the trees in a clearing at the path’s end was the house. It wasn't as cheerfully formidable as the Main House by a long shot. It had the appearance of being a little worn, shabby and comfortable. Chouichi sat on the splintery steps of the porch. His memorable red hair was tied back from his face and without a bit of the heavy armor he normally wore he didn't look any smaller, any less imposing. He was sharpening kunai. 

The ninja looked up as Kisame approached. “I thought I might see you.” Chouichi called when Kisame could hear. 

Kisame rose an eyebrow.

“Itachi has become a bit of a gossip.” the blue man said.

Chouichi’s mouth quirked in a grin. “he was a gossip before, he just didn’t show it. Have a seat.” Chouichi gestured to the other side of the wide steps. Kisame sat.

Neither said anything for a minute. Then Kisame said, “You’re in ANBU.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Chouichi said piously as he laid aside a sharpened kunai.

Kisame looked at the sky. “Is it always so peaceful here?”

Chouichi shrugged, letting the abrupt change in subject slide. “Most of the time. There are ups and downs. You haven’t been here for the rainy season yet, or the winter. But I suspect you’re not talking about the weather.”

Chouichi paused in his sharpening and leaned against the closest post which held the porch’s roof off. It groaned comfortably as he shifted his weight against it.

“It is peaceful here.” Chouichi agreed. “Because a lot of good ninja get hurt and die to keep it that way.” He looked out at the path. “A lot of bad ninja, too.”

“Is there good and bad in Konoha?” Kisame asked.

“You’d be surprised how similar they are.” Chouichi said. “Having second thoughts, shark man?”

“Yes.” Kisame said.

“You know loyalty is a funny thing.” Chouichi said. “Even you think you’ve cut it all out, even if it's eating you alive and you know it has to go. a little bit of it remains. It’s sort of like a virus that way.”

“I don’t have any loyalties to Hidden Mist.” Kisame said.

“You’re about as convincing as my little brother when he tries to lie to Ino.” Chouichi said.

Kisame gave Chouichi a sharp look. “Itachi said you were direct.” he acknowledged.

“I am by and large considered an outlier in Akimichi personality types.” Chouichi acknowledged. “So. What’s the problem?” He reached back and pulled forward a plate of dumplings that had been resting by the door. After offering Kisame one he ate one in a single go and said, “That you’re pining for a Kiri as peaceful as Konoha, that you can’t trust Konoha to remain peaceful, or that you feel like you’re betraying some integral part of yourself by swapping Mist for Leaf?”

Kisame blinked, alarmed and somewhat overwhelmed.

“Too many options?” Chouichi asked after another dumpling. Kisame mutely nodded.

"Well joining the Uchiha clan doesn't necessarily mean you're a Ninja of Konoha." Chouichi pointed out. "It just means you're a part of the Clan. Which you knew because you looked up the procedures the other day."

"If anyone in this place stopped gossiping the walls would fall in." Kisame muttered. 

"You're not wrong." Chouichi acknoweldged. "My original point stands. Joining the Clan doesn't automatically make you a citizen of Konoha with all the rights and responsibilities therein. It's a safeguard the First Hokage built in, just in case anyone wanted to leave." 

"People don't leave Kiri." Kisame said. 

"You did." Chouichi said. 

"Let me rephrase. Most people don't leave Kiri. If they do it's in body bags." 

“Okay look.” Chouichi said. “You made it out of there. If the truely impressive bingo book entries I've read are any indication, Mist has washed its hands of you. You’re an S-Class missing nin. I don’t know what you went through there, but I’m gonna guess you don’t owe them shit.”

"I don't owe Konoha anything, either." Kisame said. 

"Sure you do." Chouichi said. 

"How do you figure?" Kisame asked. 

"You're here because of Itachi, and Itachi cares about the village. Ergo, you owe something to the village." Chouichi ate another dumpling. "If you didn't feel that way I'm guessing you'd have taken off when Sasuke and Itachi had their little chat and you'd still be sporting that stylish red cloud ensemble." 

Kisame thought about it. “When you put it that way I suppose you're right.” He admitted. 

“Perfect because I’ve seen the paperwork stack on your 'born and raised’ Konoha identity and let me tell you it is a hot mess. I’d hate for the desk nin to have to go through all that for nothing.”

Kisame snorted. “Desk ninja deserve all the paperwork they can get.”

“Hey man don’t mess with the desk nin.” Chouichi warned. “I pissed Tsuneo in Munitions off once and it took me three goddamn months to get a new forehead protector.”

Kisame looked enlightened at this new and interesting form of combat. Then he said, “Kiri could not be as peaceful as Konoha. There is too much- blood.”

“From what I hear there’s more than just blood,” Chouichi said, “but you’ve gotta allow for some exaggeration when you’re talking about Hidden Mist. My personal favorite is that it rains senbon every second friday.”

“You mean I inherited my mother’s iron umbrella for nothing?” Kisame asked, and both men laughed.

It was nice, laughing with someone who wasn’t Itachi.

“There is very little reason for Konoha to welcome me if I join.” Kisame said. “Integrating has been a challenge.”

“And it’s gonna be.” Chouichi said. “You came in on the tails of our second Most Wanted missing nin and his homicidal baby brother, you didn’t have much going for you from the start.” He leaned back on his palms. “There’s been some good moments though, right? I mean aside from my family trying to stuff you to the near literal gills." 

Kisame shuddered and made sure Chouichi watched him take a dumpling. 

"There's also Hanabi to consider. She's a little pest but she's a well connected little pest.” Chouichi said. 

“Hanabi would be a brilliant tactician if she would just apply herself.” Kisame muttered sourly.

“Prank gone wrong?” Chouichi asked sympathetically. Hanabi was notorious with the chunin instructors for her extravagant and sometimes literally explosive tricks. Comparisons had been made favorably and non to Naruto. 

“She tried to turn me purple.” Kisame groused. 

“How did she figure- Oh. Red Ink?”

“I made her run laps. It was Bowl Cut's suggestion.”

“Bowl cu- Gai you're talking about Gai.” Chouichi ate another dumpling. “You didn’t make her wear the jumpsuit did you?”

Kisame gave Chouichi a look of pure horror.

“He _did_ offer you one, though.” Chouichi pointed out.

“Does he do that to everyone?” Kisame asked.

“Just about. He tried it on me once. Just once.”

“This village is full of nut jobs.” Kisame said.

“Then you fit right in don’t you?” Chouichi asked.

Kisame took another dumpling. He took his time eating it before he said, “Being a ninja necessitates doing terrible things to defend one’s village. It means lying to the ones you care about, killing people who were friends and lovers.”

Chouichi watched Kisame and even if the other ninja hadn’t known that he was in ANBU, the understanding on his face would have given it away.

“I decided Kiri wasn’t worth it.” Kisame said. “I sought out punishment and it didn’t come and it didn’t come and here is some kind of absolution and I don’t think I want it.”

“You could say no,” Chouichi said. “to all of it. Itachi would understand.”

Kisame was quiet.

“Problem is you don’t want to say no.” Chouichi said. “You want to say yes so bad it hurts.”

The Akimichi sighed. “Look, Hoshigaki, I’m not gonna lie to you. Konoha has its underbelly. It isn’t just the Uchiha Incident that’s been swept under the rug. There’s plenty of dirt to spread around. If you’re looking for real peace you’re never gonna find it in a village full of trained killers. That being said.” He gestured wide- at the trees, at the path, at the blue sky. “If you’re looking for a place that just can’t seem to stop giving second chances, you’ve found it. Hell we’ve got ninja who will drag you into a second chance kicking and screaming.”

Kisame thought about that.

“What if I don’t know what the right choice is?” He asked.

“Buddy most of us don’t know what the right choice is.” Chouichi said. “I haven’t had a clue in fifteen years. I try to keep my team mates alive, I try to complete my missions, and I defend my village because it’s where the people I care about live. That’s about all I’ve got the brainpower for.”

Kisame considered that new angle. The people he cared about- who did he care about?

Well. Itachi. By extension Sasuke because Itachi cared about Sasuke. Kisame supposed he cared about Hanabi. She really was a smart girl and a good student when she applied herself to something other than pranks. Kisame cared about the other kids because they were just kids and he liked that, liked that their innocence clung in a way it never did in Kiri. It could even be argued that Kisame cared about the Akimichi. Okay yes they'd tried to overfeed him but they had also helped Itachi out of a tight spot and made the roof over both of their heads possible. 

The chances of Kisame having to kill any of these people was extremely low, wasn’t it? Itachi was teaching. Konoha didn’t train its students to become assassins from the first year of Academy. The Akimichi didn’t seem to be planning a coupe.

How many more people in Konoha could Kisame come to care for? He was a little worried about the answer. Caring led to death. Caring led to lies. Caring led to- but that was the whole point wasn’t it? The Will of Fire stood in opposition to pointless death. Iruka had gone off about it often enough. Itachi, when pressed, had been willing to give a short lecture on the philosophy over a campfire or two.

Everyone in the village was family, and family had to be protected.

“I don’t remember what it’s like to have a family.” Kisame said.

“That’s okay.” Chouichi said. “You’ll figure it out eventually. It's gonna be a pain in the _ass_ , but it'll be kinda cool too.” He straightened. “Come on, I’ve got a decent bottle of booze inside and I want to hear the bitching about 'not sharing' and 'unfair foreign influence' in the break room when I’m on duty next.”

Kisame looked from Chouichi to the treeline and back to Chouichi. “You said you weren’t in ANBU.” He said.

“No, I never said I was.” Chouichi replied. He offered a hand.

Kisame looked at it for a moment, then took it. Chouichi helped him to his feet and then gathered his dumplings and kunai.

“That leaf’s gonna look pretty weird on your forehead.” Chouichi said.

“I’ll get used to it.” Kisame said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kirigakure is situated on a large island, and I base my descriptions off of fishing villages which are either really cool or really depressing depending.


	12. The Long Walk Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two geniuses who never got to be children have a moment of mutual understanding.

Walking Hanabi to the Uchiha Compound wasn’t technically Neji’s job, but damn it no one else could be trusted.

Hanabi had made sure of it, the little wretch.

Neji glared down at her as she grinned up at him. “It’s not that far.” She singsonged. Neji sighed and straightened up. “Let’s go.” He muttered.

Hanabi didn’t need to know that Hiashi had asked Neji to take over the duty the day before she got Risa with the itch bomb. The poor woman had been both infuriated and mortified. She'd tried to resign right then and there but Hiashi had refused. Risa was a very competent attendant but she was used to Hinata and Hanabi was- just not Hinata. One could argue (and some of the Elder Council had) that asking Neji to escort a genin was overkill. 

And okay, perhaps it was. Save that Hanabi was going to the Uchiha compound.

Which-despite clear and public support from the Hyuga clan- Hiashi was still very leery of.

Neji could understand. Regardless of the reasoning, accepting Itachi back into the village had seemed to him a grave mistake. Nearly a year in with no mishaps said that maybe Hiashi was overly cautious but some tactics took years to implement.

And then, of course, there was-

“Sasuke.” Neji said in acknowledgement as the younger Uchiha walked up beside them.

“Neji.” Sasuke greeted with a nod before smiling down at Hanabi. “Off to help Kisame?”

“He can’t memorize worth _anything._ ” Hanabi said. “How did he become an S Rank missing nin when he can’t even remember the Oath of the Leaves?!”

“I think it had a lot to do with the sword.” Sasuke said, and sounded almost apologetic. Hanabi grumbled and crossed her arms, walking just ahead of the two older ninja.

“On your way home?” Neji asked in the strained silence.

“All done for the day,” Sasuke said. “You?”

“There’s a meeting I need to attend this evening,” Neji shrugged. “Other than that, nothing.”

“Clan meeting, right?” At Neji’s look Sasuke said, “Chouji has to go.”

Neji sighed and almost pinched the bridge of his nose. Trust an Akimichi to wag their tongue about something that didn’t need to be public knowledge.

“Itachi has to go, too,” Sasuke said, and Neji was a bit chastened to realize that not only had Sasuke read his irritation but correctly guessed its source.

“I forgot.” Neji admitted- a sore spot for a sore spot, as it were. Sasuke shrugged. “Itachi said he doesn’t know why he has to go. We’re not- big.”

Hanabi was practicing her footwork in the street as they walked and Neji said, “We tried to get you back.”

“I know.” Sasuke said. “Naruto told me.”

“I nearly died.”

“I know.”

“Chouji nearly died.”

“I know.” Sasuke sounded small. Neji gave him a sidelong glance. Here was a ninja who, barely old enough to be considered an adult, had slain a Sannin. He sounded like a tired child who wanted to go to bed.

Neji knew that feeling and he laced his fingers behind his back to hide their gentle tremble.

“Whatever doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.” He said.

“I don’t know if I can agree.” Sasuke said.

“Why not?” Neji asked.

“Plenty of things haven’t killed me.” Sasuke said. “But I don’t feel strong.”

Neji watched the sky for a moment then straightened up to give Hanabi A Look. She guiltily backed away from the trashcan she had been about to trap with an explosive paint tag. Holding her hands out to prove to Neji that they were empty she went back to practicing dodges in the street. 

Her two chaperones walked in quiet for a moment.

“I don’t feel strong.” Neji admitted. The words burned the back of his throat.

Sasuke’s chuckle was not kind.

“I don’t.” Neji repeated. “And maybe that’s how you know you’re strong- you don’t feel like you are. For so long I was certain of my own fate and my own abilities but now?” He shrugged. “Now I could put a hole in the fabric of reality and wonder if that was strength, because it doesn’t help anyone.”

“I never helped anyone in my life.” Sasuke said.

“That’s not true,” Neji said. “And you know it.”

The gate that indicated the beginning of the Uchiha lands was rising up in front of them.

“Beat you in!” Hanabi called to Sasuke, and began to run up the path.

“Shouldn’t you be following her?” Sasuke asked Neji.

“Our clan alliance with your clan is too important for anything to happen to her running for a few dozen yards.” Neji said. “Besides. I daresay that Hoshigaki actually likes her.”

Sasuke smiled and it was a more genuine smile than Neji had seen grace his face in a long time. “I think he does, too.”

“Sasuke?”

The Uchiha paused.

“Tomorrow evening.” Neji said. “Sparring. We’ll both see how far our strength goes.”

There was a banked fire that hadn’t been there before in Sasuke’s eyes. The Uchiha nodded. “Don’t tell Naruto.” He warned. “He’ll want in.”

“Not a word.” Neji promised. He watched Sasuke begin the long walk to the fork that would eventually take him to his own silent home, and turned.

The walk back to the Hyuga compound was quiet but for spasms of birdsong. Maybe it was all in Neji’s head, but the animals sounded hopeful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A friend requested Sasuke and Neji interacting and what do you know, this slots in nicely.


End file.
